In this final installment of the Handling Anger series, we takea look at apologiesand how to give effective ones that clear the angerand take away the pain in any conflict.
Have you ever given someone an apology only to have them reject it? Perhaps you were told that your apology was insincere. Have you given anapology only to have the person get angrier than before, leaving you baffled? Why is it so difficult to give an effective apology, one that hits the mark and heals the wound of angerand pain? Is there some secret to giving good apologies,a magic formula perhaps? Well, there’s no magic formula but there is multidimensional formula that when followed, produces beautiful, sincere apologies that work!
If you are like me you spent many years of your life stumbling through apologies. Each time I gave a lame one I could tell because the person to whom I was apologizing threw it back in my face, or worse went on and on about how I had hurt them until I silently wished they’d drop dead and leave me in peace. I never understood what it was about my apologies that didn’t work. I became gun shy just knowing that when I needed to make anapology that I’d probably miss the markand end up with a mess on my hands. It made me angryand frustrated, to say the least, but also determined to find the answer. In time I did. I discovered the multidimensional perspective on apologies. Through that perspective, I found my answer. Needless to say I was overjoyed and I no longer feel that apprehension when an apology is in order.
Let’s take a look at apologies beginning with the 3D version, the one that we have been taught to give and then the multidimensional version.
The 3D Apology
Webster’s dictionary defines an apologyas, “an admission of guilt and/or a request for forgiveness”. This is where the problem begins because the beliefs that underscore the concept of apologies are very polarized and thus imbalanced. Starting with the first part, “anadmission of guilt”, this means that when you give anapology, you are in essence saying that you are guilty. Guilt is an emotion designed to cover up feelings of being bad or Dark. And when we are bad, that is the same as saying that we don’t deserve to live. We are worthless.
No wonder guilt is such a difficult emotion to handle. It strikes are the very core of our essence, robbing us of the right to exist. So what do we do when we give an apology? We naturally follow up our admission of guilt with a defensive statement in anattempt to excuse our behavior…toavoid being bad. When we do this, we totally invalidate the person to whom we are apologizing. Moreover, we make what was supposed to be a healing for them, all about us. The attention is now on us and the other person feels robbed. How many times have I done that? No wonder they wanted to clobber me!
Now for that forgiveness part. We mess up apologies even more when we expect the person that we have hurt to now turn around and forgive us. Heavens, does it ever stop?! Webster’s defines forgiveness as “To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.” So having accepted responsibility for committing the offense and inflicting pain, we turn the attention on ourselves again by expecting a pardon (forgiveness) from the one that we have hurt. First we defend our actions to avoid guilt and then we expect the person to pardon our offense to boot. Duh! Is it any wonder why apologies so often do not work? Most of it is about our own healing, not the healing of the person we have hurt.
The Multidimensional Apology
A multidimensional definition of an apology is “the acknowledgement of responsibility for inflicting pain and the complete validation of that pain.” Multidimensionally,apologies are designed for two primary purposes: (1) to acknowledge responsibility and (2) to validate the pain one has inflicted on another or others so that it can be clearedand the wound that was inflicted, healed. Notice that neither of these purposes has anything to do with assuming guilt or asking for forgiveness. Why? From the multidimensional perspective, there is no reason to feel guilt or ask for forgiveness. Guilt means that you are bad. Forgiveness means that you have sinned and have wronged another. There is no sin nor bad nor good from the higher perspective. We are all souls playing out roles to help each other grow as our individual plans for soul evolution dictate. And soul evolution comes from integrating the Light and the Dark (the Polarity Integration Game).
When we play Dark roles, meaning that we inflict pain, we do so to show the person for whom we are doing it some way in which he/she is hurting him/herself. We call this mirroring. It is what we creator gods/goddesses do for each other, at each other’s soul’s request. This is the perspective of totalacceptance, compassion and unconditional love. All things have value at this level of consciousness. When we embrace this higher level of understanding, we can give good apologies that really work.
Validating the Pain
To make anapology effective we must validate the pain we have inflicted. We validate pain by showing through our actionsand words that we can feel what they feel. That means that we not only feel the pain we have inflicted on another, but we also communicate those feelings to the one we have harmed in such a way that he/she feels that we understand. Now this is where the problem comes in. Feeling pain is something that that we have been taught not to do. We’ve been taught that pain is bad and is associated with being bad or guilty and thus, should be avoided atall costs. So as alongas we adhere to that belief, we will avoid feeling any pain, ours or another’s. As long as we avoid feeling the pain, we can’t possibly validate the pain of another because to validate sincerely we must feel it ourselves. This is why empathy is so highly valued. It means feeling the pain of another.
Speaking to the Pain
There is a second part of validating pain when giving anapology and we call it “Speaking to the Pain.” Speaking to the pain means that we verbally communicate those painful feelings to the person we have hurt as a way to mirror them back. When we mirror those painful feelings back, the person can feel that we really understand the pain we have inflicted. That’s why so many apologies don’t work. People don’t realize how important it is to the healing to have the pain mirrored back in words. But why is this so importantand actually critical to the success of the healing?
The Role of the Inner Child
When I discovered the multidimensional perspective on apologies, tucked within that body of wisdom was the knowledge of the role that the Inner Child plays. From the multidimensional perspective, the Inner Child is the part of us that is responsible for handling pain. The Inner Child believes that he/she is the physical body and so feels it is his/her duty to limit the amount of pain that we consciously feel. This is based on the instructions that we have given our Inner Child regarding the limit that we have for feeling pain. Anything beyond the limit is stuffed somewhere in the body. The Inner Child knows the exact location of all our pain. The Inner Child cannot release the pain of his/her own accord. Only the Self, the conscious part of you that is reading this article, can give him/her the authority to let go of the pain.
When someone who has hurt us effectively speaks to our pain, that description enables our Inner Child to find the location of that pain in our body and clear it. This clear andaccurate description can only be given if the person who inflicted the pain can feel it him/herself and then relay it to you in words. It is up to you the Self, to make sure that you get that accurate description by being honest and letting that person know exactly how his/her actions hurt you. To expect him/her to figure it out on his/her own is asking that person to read your mind and that is unfair. Once that is done, the Inner Child clears out that pain and harmony is restored.
Here’s an example: Jonathan gets angry with me because I forgot to get a postage receipt for shipping merchandise home from a conference and now he will have to go to a lot of extra trouble to cut the postage stickers off the boxes when they arrive and then work to make them presentable for tax purposes. Struggling with near constant fatigue from high blood pressure, this extra work really triggers him. He feels that I don’t understand how hard he works to keep our finances in order. I get irate with him because I feel he doesn’t appreciate me working my butt off at the conference and I tell him so, adding a few choice cuss words to drive home my point. Needless to say, his feelings are hurt and so are mine.
Once we cool down we can apologize to each other. First we must take responsibility for hurting each other. Next, we must validate the pain we have inflicted by feeling it and the expressing that to the other.
3D Apology from Jonathan: “Jelaila, I am sorry for getting angryabout you not having the receipt. Please forgive me. I only did it because I’m having a hard time keeping it together and having more work to do just overwhelms me.”
The problem with this apology is that though he started off on the right foot, he totally invalidated my feelings by defending. This makes the apology allabout him instead of about me and when that happens, I just want to smack him! His defense will not help me let go of my anger and disappointment. Tacking his defense on to the end of his apology totally invalidates it and my painas well. And then his asking for my forgiveness too, makes me want to, well…I won’t say that in this article.
At this point I don’t careabout why Jonathan did it, I want him to take responsibility for his actions. When I am invalidated, I cannot let go of my anger, disappointment (pain)and so the conflict continues.
To give a really effective apology, we must move beyond our 3D programmingand embrace the higher consciousness. At this level we can take responsibility for our behavior without feeling guilty. We canaccept responsibility for inflicting pain,and feel the hurt person’s pain without feeling bad about it. In other words, Jonathan can feel the pain (in this case being unappreciated) that I am feeling and feel sad but not feel bad. There’s no need to feel bad. I don’t need him to feel bad. I just want him to feel the same lack of appreciation that I feel. And I won’t feel validated until I know that he can feel how I feel.
Multidimensional Apology from Jonathan: “Jelaila, I am so sorry for getting angryabout the receipt and causing you to feel thatall your hard work at the conference didn’t meananything. I’m sorry if I made you feel unappreciated.”
Do you feel the difference in these two apologies? The first one makes us angry but with the second one, we canactually feel it in our heart…a release of the pain of being unappreciated. This one makes me feel warmand fuzzy all over…and appreciated. And now that I’ve been validated, I can turn aroundand do the same for him. After all, I did nearly bite his head off! Ouch!
The Unexpected Benefit of Giving a Multidimensional Apology
Once Jonathan has validated my pain, I can now turn around and validate his. I can apologize for giving him cause to feel overwhelmed and upset. Here’s my apology: “Jonathan I am sorry for not getting the receipt. And I apologize for causing you to feel overwhelmed. I know that you work very hard to keep our finances straight, even when you are ill. I so appreciateall that you do.”
I can feel how he feels now because I’m no longer wrestling with the feelings of being unappreciated. Once we are validated, we can turn aroundand validate our partner. This last part is what brings balance back into a relationship andallows the love to flow again.
In a nutshell the reason we aren’t able to give good apologies that work is because we don’t want to feel the pain that we have inflicted. And, we don’t want to feel the pain because we have no way to process it. Embracinga higher level of understanding, i.e., the multidimensional perspective can set us free from the guilt and enable us to give good apologies, eliminatinganger and other forms of pain.
In closing, when we learn how to accept and then process pain, and then to validate it, we can give really good really effective apologies that clear away the anger and sadness, the feeling of being worthless, restore love and build trust in our relationships. In essence, heal the emotional wound inflicted. I thank my guides each time I must give anapology for this powerful, compassionate wisdom. Moreover, I no longer feel the need to be right all the time. Now that I know that there is no sin and that playing the Dark role helps us all to grow, I can be okay with being wrong, with making mistakesand giving apologies. What freedom!
The Nibiruan Council
 Multidimensional refers to a concept or perspective based on belief systems from a higher level of consciousness.
Tools for Processing Pain:The
7 Multidimensional Keys of Compassion booklets
More on the Multidimensional Inner Child: Are the Inner Child and the Ego the Same?
Make Your Inner Child your Partner Give the Inner Child a Say The Polarity Integration Game article
About the author:
JelailaStarr is an internationally known channel, speaker, and messenger for the Galactic Federation's Nibiruan Council. She is the author of We are the Nibiruans and Bridge of Reunion. Through her lectures, workshops, widely published articles and media appearances, Jelaila's message has touched the hearts of people around the globe providing hope, inspiration, and understandin jelaila@NibiruanCouncil.com
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