the Stages of Emotional Clearing
by Nicole Canter
written April 7, 2003
Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a painful emotional issue and couldn’t find your way out? Ever had one of those times when you thought you were done clearing it only to find yourself right back in it? I have and I don’t know about you but I find emotional clearing to be hairy, scary stuff. It’s like trying to find your way through a jungle full of quick sand pits and deep cavernous holes – one needs a really good, really detailed map. Throughout my childhood and into my adult life, I got stuck in the quick sand many times because I didn’t know how to navigate the stages of emotional clearing. So how do we move through the stages of emotional clearing? And just what is it?
Emotional clearing the process by which you peel off the layers of your emotional blocks, transmuting dense energies of anger, shame, and guilt etc., contained in each layer into compassion. Those layers are kept repressed and sealed in our emotional body until they are released to come to the surface (triggered into action) through the conflicts that come our way. At that point we become conscious of them.
Once the energies formerly held with in a layer have reached the surface, we begin the process of clearing them. This clearing involves moving through a series of stages that enable us to physically and emotionally release those energies from our body while at the same time, integrating the fear which is at the root of them and learning the lesson involved. Whew! That was a long sentence!
Sometimes the clearing is mild because the stuck energies are mild but sometimes the clearing is very painful, escalating into a full-blown conflict with someone. Let me just say that regardless of whether it is mild or major it ain’t easy! It’s like trying to climb up out of one of those very big, very deep holes!
That’s a really good question. There are many payoffs to emotional clearing. One is ascension—we must lighten our bodies in order to ascend and we can do this through releasing old stuck energies that make it dense. We do it in order to have better more satisfying relationships. We do it in order to have greater mental and emotional health.
Thanks to months and months of painful lessons with my husband Shaun I have finally learned to navigate the stages of emotional clearing - at least enough to write this article. All that I can say is bless Shaun’s heart for hanging in there with me. It has been a challenge to say the least! Clearing with one’s partner can be very frustrating because we’reconstantly being forced to look at a mirror of ourselves. We can’t get away! Over and over we demand to know why we would have agreed to this pain and agony. Once we figure out that this is a process and we see the higher perspective, we’re able to move forward with a little more ease and grace each time.
The emotional clearing process is a process that takes us from the 3D perspective all the way into the multidimensional perspective where we can transmute the emotion out of our physical and emotional bodies. It begins with our *Inner Child (IC) being triggered into reaction and ends with us finding the higher, multidimensional understanding of the emotional issue at hand. In case you’re not familiar with the Inner Child, I’m talking about that little child inside of each of us, and although he or she behaves just like a small child, their real job is to protect our physical bodies from damage. The Inner Child does this through fear, but that fear becomes unbalanced when he or she begins to take over our emotions with it.
Also, keep in mind that you may not realize what is occurring until you get used to going through emotional clearing and recognize being triggered, and even then the first few stages (roughly 1-4) are often unconscious.
The first thing that happens when an issue arises is that my Inner Child (me) gets triggered. “Triggers” are in our lives to bring up undesirable feelings from old, core emotional issues that we have failed to clear in the past. A trigger can be anything that elicits feelings of anger, guilt, shame, fear, or any other “negative” emotion. It lets me know a boundary has been crossed or that an old hurt is still buried deep within. It can be person or even a situation (such as stumping my toe) that triggers me, and I always know it because I react. Sometimes the reaction is mild, like a subtle emotion and/or physical sensation, but there is always some degree of physical or emotional reaction (or both), even if it is just a faster heartbeat for a few seconds
When I clear an emotional block, I normally clear one or more layers off of the core emotional issue, resulting in the trigger affecting me less and less each time. Once I fully clear the issue, however, the trigger melts away as if it were never there.
When we react to a trigger, we react, at the most basic level, in fear, because fear is the lowest frequency emotion. Sometimes I will literally be afraid, and I may even feel shame or guilt, but most often I will react in anger. Why anger? My Inner Child has been hurt and she will express that hurt with anger in order to protect me from feeling this hurt. Think of it as a shield to attempt to stop the pain from continuing by taking offensive action. Have you ever heard “the best defense is a good offense?” The Inner Child thinks so!
Both Shaun and I have a core issue involving abandonment, and we always act as each other’s primary triggers regarding this issue. For example, when Shaun triggers my abandonment issue, I almost always react in anger first. The scenario usually goes like this: I make a decision to do something and I tell him about it. He comments, and I tell him he is trying to control me and I get very angry. But sometimes, I feel more subtle emotions instead, such as fear or guilt. The reason that they are more subtle, though, is because my Inner Child doesn’t really want to feel these emotions (which are an even lower frequency than anger), so she uses anger as our primary defense/offense.
Sometimes I am extremely angry before I even realize that I have been triggered. It’s almost like I go on Inner Child Auto Pilot! But the more experienced I get at this stuff I find that I can identify the trigger sooner.
Once my Inner Child is sufficiently angry, she will take that shield of anger and deflect the feelings back to the other person by blaming them. This way my Inner Child and I do not have to take responsibility for creating our own reality, i.e., the pain we are feeling. Can you believe that in the past I have actually blamed Shaun for me stumping my own toe, when he was several rooms away in the house? Well I have because I couldn’t bear the pain of taking responsibility. This most interesting phenomenon is also called projecting.
So using my abandonment issue example, when I project back to Shaun when we’re having an “abandonment trigger,” I point the finger at him and tell him he is controlling me and that is why I am miserable, sad, mad, etc. My Inner Child is not willing to acknowledge that this is OUR issue at this point, and so we will try to make it Shaun’s problem until we are ready to take responsibility.
Stage 4: Reaction/Projection and Blame by Trigger
Once I have reacted and blamed the “trigger,” they will usually react as well, also feeling hurt, and point the finger back at me. This usually results in an argument, which may last for a few minutes or a few days depending on what layer of the block I’m trying to clear. You can see what a vicious circle this is!
For example, once I have blown up in Shaun’s face, he reacts and blows up in mine. His Inner Child isn’t willing to take on my pain, and if he has pain involved he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it either. So he points the finger at me, and we continue doing this until we get tired of arguing. Ugh!
It is worth mentioning that if someone has been consciously emotionally clearing for a while then they may react differently. I’m referring to when you can consciously see the trigger coming and choose to react differently. This means that you have almost cleared the block. But don’t beat yourself up if you’re not here yet – old habits die hard! Believe me – I KNOW!!
Stage 5: Expressing and Releasing the Anger
This is the stage where I usually begin to get a hold of myself and get with my Inner Child about what is going on. I want to strongly emphasize that all of this seemingly “negative” stuff is OK! Your feelings are valid and it is ok to let your Inner Child express and react in an appropriate manner, i.e., expressing your feelings without hurting yourself and others. You may need to make agreements with your Inner Child regarding expressing so that both of you will feel safe while doing so.**
It is also very important that you express both verbally and physically in order to move the energy out of both the physical and emotional body. I have found it very useful to both yell and scream as well as write what I call a “bitch and vent.” A bitch and vent may be as mild as a complaint or as explosive as a neutron bomb, with words of course. You can do this how and where you feel comfortable, but if you choose to bitch and vent to someone in particular, it is wise to ask them if you can unload on them first. If you don’t, they may react in anger. I also find an appropriate item to use physically, such as a foam or plastic baseball bat or a pillow, and then I hit my bed or the floor with it. I recommend any of these because I can’t hurt myself or others (or my possessions) by hitting something soft with something soft. When I am finished expressing I always know it because I feel lighter. If I don’t know I am done, then I keep going until I know I am done.
I can’t stress enough here that the main thing to keep in mind is that it is OK to express your anger, etc., and not to censor your Inner Child in any way regarding his or her feelings or thoughts. Let your IC express his or her feelings and validate those feelings with something like “I hear ya!” or “You go!” By embracing and allowing this “dark” expression to come through, you will be able to integrate the fear and anger you are experiencing much faster.***
Of course, during our initial argument Shaun and I always release some anger. Sometimes we even sit there for an hour and bitch and scream at each other. We have mixed feelings afterward about this, because while we’re both sorry for what has transpired we both feel so much lighter and better! But other times we have to go out on our own and express the anger, and I always do what I recommended above.
Stage 6: Finding and Recognizing the Mirror
In this stage I begin to step back and realize that I have an issue with the other person and we begin to consciously process by expressing how we feel to each other. Optimally we both engage in this, but if I have to continue without the other’s participation then it’s is ok. Also know that this step of the process takes an indefinite amount of time, all depending on the level of communication between me and my Inner Child. We usually start with an intellectual process and end with my Inner Child expressing her true emotional feelings that are at the core of the trigger. This is my goal – true, honest expression of my emotions. This is the language of the Inner Child.
Once I can be honest with myself, I am ready to look for the mirror and own it. Finding the mirror, or seeing myself in the other person, always shows me how I have treated my Inner Child. Owning the mirror means that I am ready to take full responsibility for my pain and my actions. It means being brutally honest with myself and with others, even if it hurts. So in my example, I said that Shaun was controlling, etc. But now I can see how I have controlled my Inner Child and not let her express herself or be who she really is because I am afraid of Shaun abandoning me. Now that’s a hard one to swallow, and for both of us because my Inner Child fears that I will abandon her out of blame. Hmmm…see a pattern here?
Stage 7: Clearing the Mirror by Taking Responsibility and Validating Pain
This is when I use multidimensional tools to “get” the lesson, take responsibility and release myself and the other person from blame. This is what we call, “clearing the mirror.” The tools I use are multidimensional tools known as the 7 Keys of Compassion. I use the Formula of Compassion (the 1st Key) and the Compassion Key (the 2nd Key), to clear the mirror and they work great! By using these tools I am always able to see the higher perspective and once I do I beam from ear to ear with gratitude for the person who is my trigger and always want to thank him/her for their role in the lesson. Once I can do this, I know and feel that I have “gotten” it! Then I can congratulate myself for peeling yet another layer off of my emotional issues! Yay!
Once I get the lesson and am able to take responsibility for my part in the issue point, I am able to validate the other person’s pain and hurt. Validation means being able to apologize for pain I have caused the other person by my actions without any excuses or defending my behavior. I speak to the pain by describing it as if it were happening to me. This is an important step, and can only be reached after I can emotionally connect with the other person’s pain. In the example of the conflict between Shaun and I, this is where I say to him, “Shaun I am sorry that I accused you of trying to control me. I am sorry that I didn’t come to you to discuss my idea before I made my decision. I am sorry that I didn’t treat you as a partner, and because of determination to have it my way, I accused you to trying to control….which is what I was doing! And so I am so very sorry for the pain that my accusation caused.”
I have to let them know that I heard and felt them by repeating what it is that they are hurt over, and apologizing for causing the pain. It doesn’t matter if I intended to cause pain or not – if I can feel their pain I am always able to validate it. And most of the time, all the other person wants is to hear is that I’m sorry they are hurting. Know that this doesn’t include any pledge to change my behavior – I am simply validating their pain.
But what if I find that I cannot validate the other’s pain and hurt? What do I do then? I have to go back and talk with my Inner Child because I know that she is blocking me from feeling the other person’s pain. Why? Because she fears that I will abandon her if I feel Shaun’s pain. She blocks me from feeling Shaun’s pain because it is a type or level of pain that I have told her that I never want to feel…hence the blocking. So I make an agreement with my Inner Child that I will not abandon her if I feel Shaun’s feelings. I know when she has agreed because I begin to feel the pain of the other person…in this case, Shaun’s pain.
So that’s it….those are the stages of emotional clearing. Just knowing about the stages and knowing what to expect has given me great comfort when I am in the midst of my issues. Each time I go through them I figure them out a little bit more and so am able to crawl up out of my proverbial hole a little faster. It is my hope that with this article you will have a clear enough map to navigate through your jungle of emotional clearing and find your way of your own emotional holes.
*For more information on working with your Inner Child:
“The Soul/Ego/Self Partnership” the 3rd Key of Compassion.
**For more informatoin on creating Agreements with your Inner Child:
and “The Open Door” the 4th Key of Compassion.
***For more information on integrating and embracing the Dark polarity:
Dancing with the Dark” the 6th Key of Compassion.
Nicole is a gifted clairvoyant whose abilities enable her to access information on both a galactic and spiritual level. For starseeds and walk-ins this is a godsend since discovering their identity and identifying their missions involves both. As a galactic counselor, Nicole assists individuals to see beyond the illusions and beliefs that hold them back so that they can free themselves to fulfill the divine purpose for which they came. Nicole can be reached at (256) 881-1697. Email: email@example.com.