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Awakening-Healing News Index 2003  from our friend Steve the Swami
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Ask the Swami
by Swami Beyondananda

Well, here it is, the Month of Love. One out of twelve is pretty
good, but I think we can do better. So here I am, Swami-
on-the-spot, offering my advice to all of those who've been
looking for love in all the wrong places, or have actually
found the right places, only these places are attached to the
wrong people.

Now you are probably asking yourself, what does an elevated
soul like myself know about the down-and-dirty business of
sexual politics? I will tell you. It is true that I practiced celibacy
for fourteen years. But when I turned fifteen, I said, "Enough
of that. What else have we got?"

So ... questions, anyone? Hello, you're on Karma Talk:
Dear Swami:

We hear it all the time: All you need is love. We've been
holding hands, linking arms, rocking back and forth for
almost 35 years now, singing these songs and we don't
seem any closer to love than we were back then. What's
going on, anyway?

      Aretha Flowers,
      Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Aretha:

Well, for one thing we've been using the wrong affirmation
all these years. By singing, "All You Need Is Love," we are
affirming that we don't have it. If we already had it, why
would we need it? The Bible tells us that we are made in the
Creator's image. In other words, God is Divine and we are
Fruit of Divine. But we forget that the great "I Am" is none
other than We. This forgetfulness is called

And when we forget our divine roots, our search for peace and
love is bound to be fruitless. We keep looking for love in all
the wrong places -- out there, for example. So as a reminder, I
suggest that the next time we hear that song, we change the
lyrics to "All You Be Is Love." One of the best ways to be
love is to express ourselves joyfully in the world. And laughter
is the currency of joy .. so pay it forward! Laugh lovingly, love
laughingly, and maybe, just maybe, we might actually launch
that blisskrieg we've been threatening all these years.

Dear Swami:

As a practicing Southern Baptist, I was puzzled to read that at
the recent annual convention, the new church dogma drops the
language saying the church is "rooted and grounded in Jesus
Christ" and instead now says "the Bible is the source of our
authority." None of my friends at my church could offer any
reasonable explanation why this language was changed, so I
figured maybe I'd go completely outside the faith to get some
perspective. What would the Swami have to say about this?

      Bernie Turner Lee,
      Cumming, Georgia

Dear Bernie:

I make it a point never to comment on the religious faith of
others, particularly in the light of what happened to Joan of
Arc. There she was driving a beautiful karma, and all of a
sudden, wham! She ran smack into a vicious dogma -- and
just like that, her karma was totalled.

Not to mention my own past-life experience back there in the
11th century, when I was part of a religious sage-burning
ceremony. Unfortunately, the sage they were burning was
me! Ever since that time, I've been a little sensitive as you
might imagine.

So actually, I have no opinion on the matter. However, thanks
to the free flow of information on the web, I have become privy
to a secret inter-church memo that concluded that "Jesus just
wasn't Christian enough."

First of all, the memo begins, he was a Jew, which makes
him automatically suspect. Secondly, unlike just about every
Jewish man at the time -- priests included -- he apparently
wasn't married, and spent nearly all of his time hanging out
with twelve guys. The incident with the money-changers
shows definite leftist leanings, and he was known to associate
with prostitutes, lepers and other undesirables.

The final straw came when Biblical scholars concluded that
Jesus would have been unlikely to support -- let alone join --
the National Rifle Association. The memo concluded that the
church had to discourage people from asking that
potentially-subversive question, "What would Jesus do?" and
have them instead adhere to, "What would Jerry (Falwell) do?"

Dear Swami:
How do you feel about same sex marriage?

       Dewey Chother
       Lafayette, Louisiana

Dear Dewey:

I think same sex marriages are very damaging to our social
fabric. I mean, think about it. Imagine all these married couples
having the same sex all the time. Week in and week out, the
same sex over and over. Now you know that is bound to get
boring, and couples are more likely to go out looking for
extra-marital sex. Before you know it, the marriage breaks
apart. This search for different sex is the second leading cause
of divorce (marriage being the first). So I say the most lasting
marriages are different sex marriages - different sex, same

Dear Swami:

We've all been told that God created the world in seven days,
and I'm wondering if He's done anything since then. Nietsche
proclaimed that God is dead, and I would hate to have to
believe that. Can you enlighten us, Swami?

        Malik E. Fawcett
        Hamtramck, Michigan

Dear Malik:

The FUNdamentalist scriptures tell us that on the Eighth Day,
God saw that the world was funny and created laughter. He's
been enjoying the show ever since. And He figured since we
were humoring Him, He would humor us. So He gave us the
gift of laughter so that we could see the world from His
perspective. Because to God, it's all a joke. What does He
care? Does God have to get up every morning and go to work?
No, His work is done. He's only worked one week in the entire
history of existence! Those people who insist God is dead,
they are wrong. He's retired. He turned the whole business
over to His Son about 2,000 years ago. And if I'm not
mistaken, that means we own a share.

Being retired, the Creator sits around and watches us on
Funniest Home Videos all day. And because we
FUNdamentalists value His gift of laughter so much, we want
to humor Him just as He has humored us. That is why the
devout FUNdamentalist stops all other activities to play several
times a day. This devotional state of playing to God - we call it
"plair" - means surrendering to the Farce and offering oneself
up as entertainment. Plair is not a purely altruistic activity,

There's an old saying that idle hands do the devil's work, and
God is no exception. Being retired and all that with lots of time
on His hands, He has little else to do but think up practical
jokes all day. FUNdamentalists believe that God is less likely
to impose His brand of amusement on those busy amusing
themselves. It is during these moments of fervently playing
that FUNdamentalists have been able to feel the levitational
pull to counteract all of the gravity in life, and been able to see
things from the Creator's recliner right in front of that big
screen TV - and clearly hear the laugh track.

 Copyright 2000 by Steve Bhaerman.  All rights reserved.

About the Author

Hear the Swami's wisdom with your own ears -- just click
onto http://www.beyondananda.com. To find out more
about Swami's products and appearances on the "outernet",
call 1-800-SWAMI-BE.

Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette,
Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter,
and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb
Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping.
Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's
Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for
ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line
1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit http://www.wakeuplaughing.com

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